This story is one I don't tell often, or I try to cut it down to a few simple sentences since it's still fresh and has very painful memories associated with it. I debated about doing that to this post, but I also want to be authentic so that those with ADHD and those without may be able to learn from this. More than anything though, I want those without ADHD to see things from this perspective and strive for more patience and compassion. We really aren't trying to cause discomfort or harm or agitation.
About two, almost three years ago, I was sitting in a car with some of my sister's friends, and they were talking about how Wellbutrin is used to treat depression but is also used to treat ADHD. It made me think of the first time I took Wellbutrin and accidentally took my two doses at once, instead of one in the morning and one at night. My mind was so clear and calm and quiet. That moment had stuck with me, and listening to more of their conversation, I started to wonder if I might have ADHD. After that, I didn't pursue it because, to be truthful, I was kind of afraid to know, but I also didn't want to bring it up to anyone because I didn't seem to fit the stereotype. I was afraid that nobody would believe or take me seriously when I did have the courage to speak up and seek answers.
As time went on, I mostly forgot about it, but living at my oldest sister's house was what really pushed the matter. At first, things were good and she and her husband were extremely helpful and supportive of me during part of my journey of healing and going back to university. I learned so much through all of the ups and downs - the importance of seeking proper medical help, how difficult and frustrating marriages can be, how much fun you can have as a family, and so much more. I came to especially look up to my brother-in-law. He was kind and patient with my sister, and reliable. Plus, the two of us had similar interests, ways of thinking, and habits. He was like a real brother to me, and I often found myself trying to explain things to my sister when she was frustrated with him or didn't understand why he thought or acted certain ways (spoiler alert: it's because he has ADHD too).
Sadly though, after a while, things changed between me and the both of them. As they faced many deep challenges, I did my best to not let anything bother me and chalked it all up to them just being stressed, in pain, and doing their best to cope. When I began feeling like I was under a microscope, I told myself that it was because they were being twice as hard on themselves, and that all I needed to do was stay positive and try my best to not add more stress. After months of this though, when every move I made was being either scrutinized or strangely ignored, I started to break down. As I did my best to try and do what was expected of me, it got to a point that I had not only started self-harming again, but I was also seriously suicidal and almost admitted myself to a mental health facility twice. Both times I was talked out of it by those I opened up to.
By that time, I had been looking for new housing for over a month, since the living situation was no longer a good or emotionally/mentally safe place for me, but everything kept falling through. I remember the horrible anxiety, fear, and dread I felt one day as my sister and her husband sat me down and told me that I needed to be out by the end of the month, whether I had housing or not. I reminded them that I had been looking daily and that I had wanted to already be moved out of their home, plus I would be looking at apartments that weekend. They told me that in their eyes, I wasn't respecting the house rules or doing my part and that they felt I was taking advantage of them, although I honestly was doing everything I possibly could. Because I felt I was doing all they had asked, I asked them to list specifics of how/what I was or wasn't doing. All that was listed, however, were things I was following and doing, but, because they weren't done at a certain time of day or exactly how they had wanted them accomplished (although none of these were specified to begin with), to them, it seemed I wasn't doing the tasks or was being lazy and expecting them to do the work.
I felt so defeated. With my depression having been at the lowest point I'd experienced in years, every day and moment had felt like I was drowning. Over and over, despite feeling so hopeless, worthless, and that my life was just a burden to others, I had told myself, "You can do it. I know it feels like a lot to clean [insert task] today, but as long as you do it, that's what really matters. Even if you clean it at 10am or even noon instead of 6am or 7am when you first get up, as long as it gets done, that's all that matters." I had been trying so hard, but their words seemed to validate the dark thoughts I'd been having all that time. What I did wasn't enough and could never be enough. I was a burden to them and the rest of my family.
After that interaction, I was praying and asked God why things weren't working out for me when I was trying so hard. I knew that I needed to move to Orem, but nothing was falling into place, at least, until the day after that discussion. A girl got back to me, I looked at the apartment, I signed the contract, and I was set to move in the following weekend (about 6 days away).
During that last week, I tried my best to act as if nothing had happened between all of us, despite the deep pain I was experiencing, plus the feelings of being completely alone and like there was no way for me to have those fun and meaningful relationships with my sister and her husband again. So, when we were in the car together and talking about my brother-in-law's recent diagnosis of ADHD, I finally admitted out loud (and to myself) that I thought I had ADHD. I don't know why it came out of my mouth, especially with it being something so personal to the two people I felt the most disconnected from at the time, but it did.
They both sat there for a minute and then got really excited and had me take a survey that my brother-in-law had taken, and I got a score that said to see a doctor because it was very likely I had ADHD. I set up an appointment to see someone, and during those last few days at their house, we all discussed it frequently, if not constantly, and compared me with my sister's husband. It all just made sense. My brother-in-law stated that maybe that was why my housing had kept falling through before, because I was supposed to find out and admit I have ADHD. It probably, although horrible for me at the time and still painful to look back on, was divine intervention. I don't know how much longer I would have kept wondering and keeping that inside.
After I moved out, I had my appointment - sure enough, I was diagnosed with ADHD. In my first post, I mentioned that women are often misdiagnosed for years, and an eye-opening statistic was shared on Instagram by @learning.compass which is a group that offers educational classes on topics like ADHD:
"Only 4.2% of females will be diagnosed with ADHD compared to 12% of males. The demographic being diagnosed the most in recent years are adult females, many of them have spent most of their lives battling severe burnout, depression, feelings of isolation and hiding untold frustration and failure. This is why awareness matters, we must do better."
Since being diagnosed and having started medication, I've noticed a lot of improvements. I'm able to have a calm mind more often, instead of constant racing thoughts, I recognize ADHD habits or processes that I do and am able to stop them or be more kind to myself over them, and I'm learning lots of new information and skills connected to it.
Since I've only been on my new meds for about two months, maybe? It's definitely still a learning process. I've also had environmental influences that have thrown me off, but I'm making it through, sometimes just one second at a time. I also feel that my relationships are gradually repairing as I continually make an effort to reach out and show genuine love, regardless of what happened before.
So that's a little bit of my story. I hope that in some way it'll help you or those you know.
And, as always,
Hang in there; you got this, kid.
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