11.7.2022 - Unhealthy Thinking Pattern

    Trigger Warning:  ** Mentions of negative self-talk, suicide ideology/thoughts, trauma ** 

 

   This subject isn't just related to ADHD, in fact, I'm pretty sure these unhealthy thinking patterns are results of my anxiety and depression (but those are affected by my ADHD and vice versa).

    "That Escalated Quickly" is what I like to call a pretty regular thinking pattern that happens to me, especially when I'm experiencing low moods, high stress, etc.  An example of this happened to me last night after I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  In a split second, my mind went through the following thoughts:

• I've gained weight, and the average person gains 10-13 pounds during the holidays
• I need to eat healthier and cut out treats
• Maybe I should barely eat at all
• I'm so ugly, look at me
• No guy could ever love me or find me attractive
• I'll just be alone for the rest of my life
• (In a very casual thought) Maybe I should just end it all, then I won't have to worry or deal with all of this
• Wait, what?  
• No, I'll make a healthy plan for myself that includes more exercise, eating healthy food regularly, not overeating, and way less sugar

    As I mentioned, this all happened in my mind very quickly.  The thing that makes this even more curious is that these thoughts have been coming up more and more lately because I've had a few guys ask me on dates.  Because of my past, I fear, distrust, and try to avoid relationships.  It seems as if my brain implodes before it begins to engage in self-sabotage.  I often have to remind myself that it's not like these men haven't seen my weight already or that I've somehow deceived/tricked them into thinking that they like me.  I also have to remind myself that what I think, feel, and believe about myself doesn't always reflect what others think, feel, or believe.

    This type of negative self-image stems from trauma I've experienced in the past.  For example, even before I was eight years old, I was told that I wasn't pretty, needed to lose weight, that I don't have ideal attributes, etc., and, sadly, many of those things have been reinforced over the years by others and society.

    Long story short, I turned both of the dates down and one of the guys, late last night, messaged me about how he's still hung up on someone he dated 5 years ago.  Although I'm not romantically attracted to him, it felt like validation for all my fears and insecurities, leaving me thinking, "See, aren't you glad you're so closed off?  He never actually liked you.  You were just convenient when he was lonely or sad or needed someone to listen.  You were just going to be a meaningless rebound.  You've learned, haven't you?  From all the years of abuse and foolishly letting people in, only to be tossed aside after you're no longer useful, that it's all true.  Love and acceptance were never in the cards for you.  It's just a silly fairytale that you bought into and it's time to let go of it.  Just let it go so you don't get hurt anymore.  You need to just let go of those ideas."

    It all really does feel foolish and like a waste of time some days, but I'm working on rewriting those thoughts and surrounding myself with people who I know I can trust and who love me just the way I am.  I've found that it's also important to be mindful and learn more about yourself.

    There's a post that @adhdcoachnicole (Professional ADHD coach) shared on Instagram that made me feel seen, validated, and that I'm not alone in my hurting.  She shared this:

Many ADHDers intuitively learn to mask their Neurodivergent traits at a young age

This is a result of the significantly larger amount of negative messages ADHD children receive verses their neurotypical peers.

By the time we reach adulthood many of us have developed a 'Mask' we present to the world that is more acceptable in neurotypical society

But masking can come with MANY costs

For me it lead to endless burnout cycles and unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs and food

The mask also hinders many of us from getting diagnosed until later in life, if ever

It also can turn us into chronic people pleasers who frequently take on too much as a means to overcompensate for our perceived shortcomings

    Many of these things ring true for me and my circumstances, but learning more and recognizing this has already been beneficial in pointing me in the right direction for help, assistance, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and more.

    What does "masking" look like for you?  What are some ways you've been able to let go of your mask and reveal the real you?

    We all need to remember that we're a work in progress, and that's okay.  So keep your chin up, hang in there, and remember it's all going to work out.