12.14.22

 This post is under construction 

12.14.22 - Indecisiveness

    An obstacle I'm continually facing, especially when it comes to picking what to eat when it's not just me, is "indecisiveness."  I put that word in quotations because, in reality, I'm not usually an indecisive person, but it manifests as such because my brain is straining to go through all of the options available and trying to determine what others are wanting, also known as people-pleasing.  

    I stumbled across this fantastic flowchart that was posted by @adhdbrainhealth on Instagram, and I find it to be so true for me personally and extremely helpful in finding solutions to overcome moments of indecisiveness. 

    Are you labeled as an "indecisive" person?  Do you have any other insights or helpful tricks to overcome it?

12.13.22 - Masking and Overworking

     One main reason why I was able to fly under the radar with my ADHD for so long is because of my ability to compensate for or "mask" my symptoms, usually by overworking myself.  Because it has "worked" for me for so many years, it's a difficult habit to break in order to create a better balance in my life and address what's actually happening with me.

    My oldest sister tagged me in an Instagram post made by @humanity_hive, which often posts about ADHD symptoms, coping skills, things to look out for/change, and more, and the description in the post touches on this very subject:

    Sound like you?  Killin yourself so that nobody can say anything negative about you?  Overworking to hide "flaws?"  Doing more than others to "make up for your ADHD?"  If I do the most and work the hardest then I'm safe?  (Essentially avoiding any possibility of shame or criticism)

    Is it worth it?  When you step back to evaluate all you're trying to do by masking, how is it affecting you?

    That hit home for me and caused a lot of reflection.  How do I continue to "mask," even now?  What can I do differently?  What are some things I can let go of the ideal of perfection and just enjoy doing?  

    What does all of that look like for you?

    Let's let go of our masking tactics, and until we're able to fully do that, hang in there.  You've got this.

12.13.22 - Brain Chemistry

     Today I had another routine appointment with my ADHD doctor, Dr. Navorro.  We discussed what was going well and how I was improving, along with what wasn't going so well, one of them being nutrition (and with Christmas coming up, I feared it would just get worse). 

    Dr. Navorro explained to me that an ADHD brain's chemistry is affected more by the person's diet than other brains, making nutrition even more vital to not only physical but mental and emotional health as well.  She gave me the task of cutting out most carbs, sugar, and processed foods in order to get myself to a healthier state. 

    In addition, Dr. Navorro encouraged me to continue working on cutting back on screen time, the goal being on the phone one hour or less per day (not including phone calls) and doing all I can to stay off of social media, checking that once a day or less. 

    A friend of mine told me that this all sounded difficult, and to a degree it is, but I told him that it actually feels freeing.  I have already seen amazing results, have made more time for hobbies, been more motivated, feel happier, etc.  It's so worth it, you guys.

    Have any of you tried cutting back on screen time or switched to a healthier diet?  I'd love to hear all about it, so comment below!

As always, hang in there.  You got this! 

12.7.22 - ProcrastiNATION

     I thought it would be funny to emphasize "nation" in "procrastination" because procrastination isn't just a habit for ADHDers, no, it's a state of being, a way of life, something you're born into and try and figuratively move out of, like your childhood home, but the housing market is too out of control and sometimes it has its perks, like free food from your parents' fridge.

    Yep, procrastination definitely has a way of sprinkling you with just enough ridiculously minute rewards to keep you hooked.  But, of course, these habits always lead to unnecessary anxiety that could have been easily prevented if you'd just done the thing to begin with and not been so lazy, right?  Hmm, not exactly.  Things aren't so cut and dry for the neurodivergent. 

    I follow a nurse on Instagram @theneurodivergentnurse who has ADHD and shares truths, encouragement, and other helpful information.  One quote she shared that I love and really needed to hear is this:

ADHD Reminder

You are not lazy 

or unmotivated.

You've been living your 

life in survival mode for 

years.

You are exhausted.

    What a powerful statement that I'm sure many of us, neurodivergent or not, need to hear and hear often.  

    I'm grateful for people like this nurse who take the time to educate and uplift others.  Do you have a favorite influencer or person who makes posts that inspire and help you?

    With that, continue to push forward, hang in there, and remember you're going to be okay.  

11.7.2022 - Unhealthy Thinking Pattern

    Trigger Warning:  ** Mentions of negative self-talk, suicide ideology/thoughts, trauma ** 

 

   This subject isn't just related to ADHD, in fact, I'm pretty sure these unhealthy thinking patterns are results of my anxiety and depression (but those are affected by my ADHD and vice versa).

    "That Escalated Quickly" is what I like to call a pretty regular thinking pattern that happens to me, especially when I'm experiencing low moods, high stress, etc.  An example of this happened to me last night after I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  In a split second, my mind went through the following thoughts:

• I've gained weight, and the average person gains 10-13 pounds during the holidays
• I need to eat healthier and cut out treats
• Maybe I should barely eat at all
• I'm so ugly, look at me
• No guy could ever love me or find me attractive
• I'll just be alone for the rest of my life
• (In a very casual thought) Maybe I should just end it all, then I won't have to worry or deal with all of this
• Wait, what?  
• No, I'll make a healthy plan for myself that includes more exercise, eating healthy food regularly, not overeating, and way less sugar

    As I mentioned, this all happened in my mind very quickly.  The thing that makes this even more curious is that these thoughts have been coming up more and more lately because I've had a few guys ask me on dates.  Because of my past, I fear, distrust, and try to avoid relationships.  It seems as if my brain implodes before it begins to engage in self-sabotage.  I often have to remind myself that it's not like these men haven't seen my weight already or that I've somehow deceived/tricked them into thinking that they like me.  I also have to remind myself that what I think, feel, and believe about myself doesn't always reflect what others think, feel, or believe.

    This type of negative self-image stems from trauma I've experienced in the past.  For example, even before I was eight years old, I was told that I wasn't pretty, needed to lose weight, that I don't have ideal attributes, etc., and, sadly, many of those things have been reinforced over the years by others and society.

    Long story short, I turned both of the dates down and one of the guys, late last night, messaged me about how he's still hung up on someone he dated 5 years ago.  Although I'm not romantically attracted to him, it felt like validation for all my fears and insecurities, leaving me thinking, "See, aren't you glad you're so closed off?  He never actually liked you.  You were just convenient when he was lonely or sad or needed someone to listen.  You were just going to be a meaningless rebound.  You've learned, haven't you?  From all the years of abuse and foolishly letting people in, only to be tossed aside after you're no longer useful, that it's all true.  Love and acceptance were never in the cards for you.  It's just a silly fairytale that you bought into and it's time to let go of it.  Just let it go so you don't get hurt anymore.  You need to just let go of those ideas."

    It all really does feel foolish and like a waste of time some days, but I'm working on rewriting those thoughts and surrounding myself with people who I know I can trust and who love me just the way I am.  I've found that it's also important to be mindful and learn more about yourself.

    There's a post that @adhdcoachnicole (Professional ADHD coach) shared on Instagram that made me feel seen, validated, and that I'm not alone in my hurting.  She shared this:

Many ADHDers intuitively learn to mask their Neurodivergent traits at a young age

This is a result of the significantly larger amount of negative messages ADHD children receive verses their neurotypical peers.

By the time we reach adulthood many of us have developed a 'Mask' we present to the world that is more acceptable in neurotypical society

But masking can come with MANY costs

For me it lead to endless burnout cycles and unhealthy coping mechanisms like drugs and food

The mask also hinders many of us from getting diagnosed until later in life, if ever

It also can turn us into chronic people pleasers who frequently take on too much as a means to overcompensate for our perceived shortcomings

    Many of these things ring true for me and my circumstances, but learning more and recognizing this has already been beneficial in pointing me in the right direction for help, assistance, developing healthy coping mechanisms, and more.

    What does "masking" look like for you?  What are some ways you've been able to let go of your mask and reveal the real you?

    We all need to remember that we're a work in progress, and that's okay.  So keep your chin up, hang in there, and remember it's all going to work out. 

10.25.22 - My ADHD Diagnosis Story

    This story is one I don't tell often, or I try to cut it down to a few simple sentences since it's still fresh and has very painful memories associated with it.  I debated about doing that to this post, but I also want to be authentic so that those with ADHD and those without may be able to learn from this.  More than anything though, I want those without ADHD to see things from this perspective and strive for more patience and compassion.  We really aren't trying to cause discomfort or harm or agitation.  

    About two, almost three years ago, I was sitting in a car with some of my sister's friends, and they were talking about how Wellbutrin is used to treat depression but is also used to treat ADHD. It made me think of the first time I took Wellbutrin and accidentally took my two doses at once, instead of one in the morning and one at night.  My mind was so clear and calm and quiet.  That moment had stuck with me, and listening to more of their conversation, I started to wonder if I might have ADHD.  After that, I didn't pursue it because, to be truthful, I was kind of afraid to know, but I also didn't want to bring it up to anyone because I didn't seem to fit the stereotype.  I was afraid that nobody would believe or take me seriously when I did have the courage to speak up and seek answers. 

    As time went on, I mostly forgot about it, but living at my oldest sister's house was what really pushed the matter. At first, things were good and she and her husband were extremely helpful and supportive of me during part of my journey of healing and going back to university. I learned so much through all of the ups and downs - the importance of seeking proper medical help, how difficult and frustrating marriages can be, how much fun you can have as a family, and so much more.  I came to especially look up to my brother-in-law.  He was kind and patient with my sister, and reliable.  Plus, the two of us had similar interests, ways of thinking, and habits.  He was like a real brother to me, and I often found myself trying to explain things to my sister when she was frustrated with him or didn't understand why he thought or acted certain ways (spoiler alert: it's because he has ADHD too).

    Sadly though, after a while, things changed between me and the both of them.  As they faced many deep challenges, I did my best to not let anything bother me and chalked it all up to them just being stressed, in pain, and doing their best to cope.  When I began feeling like I was under a microscope, I told myself that it was because they were being twice as hard on themselves, and that all I needed to do was stay positive and try my best to not add more stress.  After months of this though, when every move I made was being either scrutinized or strangely ignored, I started to break down.  As I did my best to try and do what was expected of me, it got to a point that I had not only started self-harming again, but I was also seriously suicidal and almost admitted myself to a mental health facility twice.  Both times I was talked out of it by those I opened up to.

    By that time, I had been looking for new housing for over a month, since the living situation was no longer a good or emotionally/mentally safe place for me, but everything kept falling through.  I remember the horrible anxiety, fear, and dread I felt one day as my sister and her husband sat me down and told me that I needed to be out by the end of the month, whether I had housing or not.  I reminded them that I had been looking daily and that I had wanted to already be moved out of their home, plus I would be looking at apartments that weekend.  They told me that in their eyes, I wasn't respecting the house rules or doing my part and that they felt I was taking advantage of them, although I honestly was doing everything I possibly could.  Because I felt I was doing all they had asked, I asked them to list specifics of how/what I was or wasn't doing.  All that was listed, however, were things I was following and doing, but, because they weren't done at a certain time of day or exactly how they had wanted them accomplished (although none of these were specified to begin with), to them, it seemed I wasn't doing the tasks or was being lazy and expecting them to do the work.

    I felt so defeated.  With my depression having been at the lowest point I'd experienced in years, every day and moment had felt like I was drowning.  Over and over, despite feeling so hopeless, worthless, and that my life was just a burden to others, I had told myself, "You can do it.  I know it feels like a lot to clean [insert task] today, but as long as you do it, that's what really matters.  Even if you clean it at 10am or even noon instead of 6am or 7am when you first get up, as long as it gets done, that's all that matters."  I had been trying so hard, but their words seemed to validate the dark thoughts I'd been having all that time.  What I did wasn't enough and could never be enough.  I was a burden to them and the rest of my family.  

    After that interaction, I was praying and asked God why things weren't working out for me when I was trying so hard. I knew that I needed to move to Orem, but nothing was falling into place, at least, until the day after that discussion.  A girl got back to me, I looked at the apartment, I signed the contract, and I was set to move in the following weekend (about 6 days away).  

    During that last week, I tried my best to act as if nothing had happened between all of us, despite the deep pain I was experiencing, plus the feelings of being completely alone and like there was no way for me to have those fun and meaningful relationships with my sister and her husband again.  So, when we were in the car together and talking about my brother-in-law's recent diagnosis of ADHD, I finally admitted out loud (and to myself) that I thought I had ADHD.  I don't know why it came out of my mouth, especially with it being something so personal to the two people I felt the most disconnected from at the time, but it did.

    They both sat there for a minute and then got really excited and had me take a survey that my brother-in-law had taken, and I got a score that said to see a doctor because it was very likely I had ADHD.  I set up an appointment to see someone, and during those last few days at their house, we all discussed it frequently, if not constantly, and compared me with my sister's husband.  It all just made sense.  My brother-in-law stated that maybe that was why my housing had kept falling through before, because I was supposed to find out and admit I have ADHD.  It probably, although horrible for me at the time and still painful to look back on, was divine intervention.  I don't know how much longer I would have kept wondering and keeping that inside.

    After I moved out, I had my appointment - sure enough, I was diagnosed with ADHD.  In my first post, I mentioned that women are often misdiagnosed for years, and an eye-opening statistic was shared on Instagram by @learning.compass which is a group that offers educational classes on topics like ADHD:

    "Only 4.2% of females will be diagnosed with ADHD compared to 12% of males.  The demographic being diagnosed the most in recent years are adult females, many of them have spent most of their lives battling severe burnout, depression, feelings of isolation and hiding untold frustration and failure.  This is why awareness matters, we must do better."

    Since being diagnosed and having started medication, I've noticed a lot of improvements. I'm able to have a calm mind more often, instead of constant racing thoughts, I recognize ADHD habits or processes that I do and am able to stop them or be more kind to myself over them, and I'm learning lots of new information and skills connected to it.

    Since I've only been on my new meds for about two months, maybe? It's definitely still a learning process. I've also had environmental influences that have thrown me off, but I'm making it through, sometimes just one second at a time.  I also feel that my relationships are gradually repairing as I continually make an effort to reach out and show genuine love, regardless of what happened before.  

    So that's a little bit of my story.  I hope that in some way it'll help you or those you know.

    And, as always,

    Hang in there; you got this, kid.