10.25.22 - My ADHD Diagnosis Story

    This story is one I don't tell often, or I try to cut it down to a few simple sentences since it's still fresh and has very painful memories associated with it.  I debated about doing that to this post, but I also want to be authentic so that those with ADHD and those without may be able to learn from this.  More than anything though, I want those without ADHD to see things from this perspective and strive for more patience and compassion.  We really aren't trying to cause discomfort or harm or agitation.  

    About two, almost three years ago, I was sitting in a car with some of my sister's friends, and they were talking about how Wellbutrin is used to treat depression but is also used to treat ADHD. It made me think of the first time I took Wellbutrin and accidentally took my two doses at once, instead of one in the morning and one at night.  My mind was so clear and calm and quiet.  That moment had stuck with me, and listening to more of their conversation, I started to wonder if I might have ADHD.  After that, I didn't pursue it because, to be truthful, I was kind of afraid to know, but I also didn't want to bring it up to anyone because I didn't seem to fit the stereotype.  I was afraid that nobody would believe or take me seriously when I did have the courage to speak up and seek answers. 

    As time went on, I mostly forgot about it, but living at my oldest sister's house was what really pushed the matter. At first, things were good and she and her husband were extremely helpful and supportive of me during part of my journey of healing and going back to university. I learned so much through all of the ups and downs - the importance of seeking proper medical help, how difficult and frustrating marriages can be, how much fun you can have as a family, and so much more.  I came to especially look up to my brother-in-law.  He was kind and patient with my sister, and reliable.  Plus, the two of us had similar interests, ways of thinking, and habits.  He was like a real brother to me, and I often found myself trying to explain things to my sister when she was frustrated with him or didn't understand why he thought or acted certain ways (spoiler alert: it's because he has ADHD too).

    Sadly though, after a while, things changed between me and the both of them.  As they faced many deep challenges, I did my best to not let anything bother me and chalked it all up to them just being stressed, in pain, and doing their best to cope.  When I began feeling like I was under a microscope, I told myself that it was because they were being twice as hard on themselves, and that all I needed to do was stay positive and try my best to not add more stress.  After months of this though, when every move I made was being either scrutinized or strangely ignored, I started to break down.  As I did my best to try and do what was expected of me, it got to a point that I had not only started self-harming again, but I was also seriously suicidal and almost admitted myself to a mental health facility twice.  Both times I was talked out of it by those I opened up to.

    By that time, I had been looking for new housing for over a month, since the living situation was no longer a good or emotionally/mentally safe place for me, but everything kept falling through.  I remember the horrible anxiety, fear, and dread I felt one day as my sister and her husband sat me down and told me that I needed to be out by the end of the month, whether I had housing or not.  I reminded them that I had been looking daily and that I had wanted to already be moved out of their home, plus I would be looking at apartments that weekend.  They told me that in their eyes, I wasn't respecting the house rules or doing my part and that they felt I was taking advantage of them, although I honestly was doing everything I possibly could.  Because I felt I was doing all they had asked, I asked them to list specifics of how/what I was or wasn't doing.  All that was listed, however, were things I was following and doing, but, because they weren't done at a certain time of day or exactly how they had wanted them accomplished (although none of these were specified to begin with), to them, it seemed I wasn't doing the tasks or was being lazy and expecting them to do the work.

    I felt so defeated.  With my depression having been at the lowest point I'd experienced in years, every day and moment had felt like I was drowning.  Over and over, despite feeling so hopeless, worthless, and that my life was just a burden to others, I had told myself, "You can do it.  I know it feels like a lot to clean [insert task] today, but as long as you do it, that's what really matters.  Even if you clean it at 10am or even noon instead of 6am or 7am when you first get up, as long as it gets done, that's all that matters."  I had been trying so hard, but their words seemed to validate the dark thoughts I'd been having all that time.  What I did wasn't enough and could never be enough.  I was a burden to them and the rest of my family.  

    After that interaction, I was praying and asked God why things weren't working out for me when I was trying so hard. I knew that I needed to move to Orem, but nothing was falling into place, at least, until the day after that discussion.  A girl got back to me, I looked at the apartment, I signed the contract, and I was set to move in the following weekend (about 6 days away).  

    During that last week, I tried my best to act as if nothing had happened between all of us, despite the deep pain I was experiencing, plus the feelings of being completely alone and like there was no way for me to have those fun and meaningful relationships with my sister and her husband again.  So, when we were in the car together and talking about my brother-in-law's recent diagnosis of ADHD, I finally admitted out loud (and to myself) that I thought I had ADHD.  I don't know why it came out of my mouth, especially with it being something so personal to the two people I felt the most disconnected from at the time, but it did.

    They both sat there for a minute and then got really excited and had me take a survey that my brother-in-law had taken, and I got a score that said to see a doctor because it was very likely I had ADHD.  I set up an appointment to see someone, and during those last few days at their house, we all discussed it frequently, if not constantly, and compared me with my sister's husband.  It all just made sense.  My brother-in-law stated that maybe that was why my housing had kept falling through before, because I was supposed to find out and admit I have ADHD.  It probably, although horrible for me at the time and still painful to look back on, was divine intervention.  I don't know how much longer I would have kept wondering and keeping that inside.

    After I moved out, I had my appointment - sure enough, I was diagnosed with ADHD.  In my first post, I mentioned that women are often misdiagnosed for years, and an eye-opening statistic was shared on Instagram by @learning.compass which is a group that offers educational classes on topics like ADHD:

    "Only 4.2% of females will be diagnosed with ADHD compared to 12% of males.  The demographic being diagnosed the most in recent years are adult females, many of them have spent most of their lives battling severe burnout, depression, feelings of isolation and hiding untold frustration and failure.  This is why awareness matters, we must do better."

    Since being diagnosed and having started medication, I've noticed a lot of improvements. I'm able to have a calm mind more often, instead of constant racing thoughts, I recognize ADHD habits or processes that I do and am able to stop them or be more kind to myself over them, and I'm learning lots of new information and skills connected to it.

    Since I've only been on my new meds for about two months, maybe? It's definitely still a learning process. I've also had environmental influences that have thrown me off, but I'm making it through, sometimes just one second at a time.  I also feel that my relationships are gradually repairing as I continually make an effort to reach out and show genuine love, regardless of what happened before.  

    So that's a little bit of my story.  I hope that in some way it'll help you or those you know.

    And, as always,

    Hang in there; you got this, kid.

10.17.22 - Hyper-Focusing (Part 2)

     Being an adult and looking back on the situation with my best friend, I'm a lot more understanding of and somewhat sympathetic to her actions, and it helped me to learn a lot of things.  But, like I said, I've been hyper-focused on someone now, and it's been one of the most difficult emotional rollercoasters I've had in a while.

    When we met, this person was just the new kid who was kinda awkward and weird, but really kind and funny.  I would help them with tasks and teach them what they needed to learn so the others in our establishment could do their work, and it was just "whatever."

    I had been given twice the workload, and with training, it felt more like I'd been given four times the work, but new kid was a quick learner, had a good skill set, and we liked a lot of the same things, so it wasn't so bad and I just focused on making sure neither of us crashed and burned.

    Little by little, I started to see a lot of myself in new kid.  They were great with people and progressed quickly, but inside they were overly critical of themselves and unsure.  I did all I could to compliment them and make the work environment less stressful.  I wanted them to see how well they were doing.  I didn't want to keep seeing new kid beat themself up over all of the silly little things.  I didn't want new kid to be like me.  

    The two of us became pretty quick buddies, laughing and joking all day at work, having random conversations, listening to music we both liked, and so on.  Even though I was stressed out of my mind, I had never had so much fun at a job in my life, or with another person.

    I was in denial for a long time, but I had become attached to new kid, and slowly, I realized that new kid was the reason I looked forward to each day.  Even when new kid really pissed me off a few times, they have this horribly annoying, perfected skill of giving such a sad look in those big eyes while asking for forgiveness that I cannot stay mad at them.  I remember when they first pulled that on me.  I have never been so quickly defused in my life.

    Then, my life began changing dramatically.  One of my doctors significantly decreased the dosage of my thyroid medication, I had just recently started ADHD meds before that, months that are anniversaries of deaths and other trauma that's happened to me rolled around, I was looking for a new apartment because rent was about to go up $200/month on top of other inflation costs, family struggles, I was quitting my job to go back to university, and so much more.

    Because new kid and I had so much fun at work and had so much in common, it was a steady, somewhat consistent way my brain had been getting dopamine, and with all of the stressful changes, my mind just clung to that for dear life (I don't want you to think that new kid is just a dopamine machine or something that I "use."  I consider them as a dear friend, I'm just trying to explain the "why" behind the ADHD hyper-focus occurring on a scientific level).  When I no longer saw new kid every day, I crashed hard.  We would text and email, but it wasn't the same as actual human interaction, so I was often left still feeling lonely, missing new kid, and depressed.  That's when I began to realize I had a problem and something wasn't right.

    Over and over, I'd catch myself checking my phone, hoping that new kid had messaged me.  Every time I got a notification, I would check to see if it was from them.  I would message them throughout the day, and sometimes it would feel almost maddening when they wouldn't message back or would leave messages unread.  It also didn't help that new kid is super inconsistent with communication.  They'll sometimes want to call and talk for a while or want to hang out or won't message me at all.

    I would tell myself that I needed to be logical.  They were at work or busy living life and I needed to focus in class, on my studies, and on my homework.  I would ruminate and wonder (even sometimes still) if they hate me or if I annoy them or message them too much or whatever else.  I would see messages from other friends and family and be disappointed or, sadly, sometimes even annoyed that it wasn't new kid.

    As I began to adjust to the medication changes and my other stressors began to diminish, I could see with more clarity how sick I'd become.  I felt (and still feel) so much embarrassment, shame, and fear.  I knew that I had to do something to pull myself out of this hyper-focus.  I didn't want to feel that way, and more than anything, I didn't want my clinginess to push new kid away.

    So, I began the search for other things that could occupy my mind and heart during slow parts of the day, class, or when I needed a break from assignments, and it's taken a lot of time and effort.  A new comic I've been reading on an app called Webtoon is what really broke my hyper-focus on new kid, because now I'm hyper-focused on that.  Sometimes I still feel like I wish I could just sit at my old desk and spend all day by new kid, but it's getting much more manageable.  I'm hoping that the burnout will happen soon from that hyper-focus so it won't be so hard to continually replace, and I can reestablish a healthy relationship with new kid.  Still, although I'm sure they've felt smothered at times, I hope that I didn't realize too late what was happening so that I can still be good friends with them.

    So, if you're like me and going through a painful hyper-focus, remember to hang in there; you got this, kid.  We'll get through this, and if you have any personal experiences or ways you've overcome your own hyper-focus, comment below.

10.17.22 - Hyper-Focusing (Part 1)

     Since being diagnosed, I've learned that those with ADHD don't receive dopamine as easily as most people do, and so they often find themselves feeling depressed, anxious, burnt out, and/or overstimulated.  Alana, a professional ADHD coach, put it this way on Instagram (@coachingbyalana), "We're constantly balancing between what is called overstimulation and understimulation... [which occur] when our brains are trying to process too much at one time, experiencing sensory overload...[or] aren't getting enough stimulation and causing us to either shut down or turn to certain actions to get dopamine."  As coping mechanisms and seeking feelings of joy, ADHD individuals may participate in risky or dangerous behaviors that give them momentary highs, or they suddenly will hyper-focus or fixate on things that create dopamine in them. 

    Most recently, with starting my ADHD medication and studying more about how my brain works, I've been able to notice a ton of behaviors that I didn't realize I was doing before, and it's helped me to navigate new or uncommon ADHD territory.  The biggest obstacle I've been currently facing is definitely hyper-focus, and, to my surprise, it's been over a person, which honestly terrifies me because, besides it being unhealthy, it's also a horrible reminder of my past and trauma I've experienced. 

    Since childhood, I've developed many unhealthy thinking patterns regarding others.  I had many people say that they were my friends, but it would often turn into toxic relationships or I would be abandoned.  Even after graduating high school, I still experienced "friends" isolating me, turning others against me, degrading me in a multitude of ways, lashing out/gaslighting me, and in Jr. High, I even remember some friends often physically abusing me, laughing, and making a game out of trying to see if they could get me to bruise since I didn't bruise easily.  But, although I was being mistreated, being alone was much more painful, until my mindset changed.

    Somewhere along the line, with these types of relationships constantly coming and going, my mind decided to stop trying to make deep connections, and to this day, I still have to make a huge effort to remember the names of people I've recently met/been introduced to.  It's second nature to close off and discard this kind of information, my mind having already decided that it/they won't be relevant in my life and that I won't be relevant in theirs.  It's taken years of therapy and forcing myself to be open to others and allowing myself to love them and for me to feel loved by them too.  But, even with this progress and being able to establish healthier relationships, there is only one other time in my life that I remember being hyper-focused on a person, and that was my best friend in third grade.

    Hyper-focusing on an individual, like I said before, isn't healthy, especially if you don't realize you're doing it, which, people with ADHD usually don't in the moment.  Third grade was an extremely traumatic year for little me.  Unbeknownst to me or my family back then, I have hypothyroidism, and when I hit that age, I suddenly began gaining weight and couldn't lose it or keep it off.  This caused a lot of problems that I won't get into here, so we'll leave it mostly as an "insert childhood trauma story," kind of thing.  My whole world, how people treated/saw me, and how I saw myself changed in deeply damaging ways.  Every day was a struggle.  I felt worthless, like a failure, that I could never measure up, and I would try desperately to find things that made me laugh or things that I could do to make others laugh because it would give me momentary relief.  

    When I met my best friend, I felt genuinely happy.  Whenever we played, I found myself laughing all the time and enjoying life again.  I felt like I had hope and that I really could have connections, despite everything I was going through.  I didn't realize at the time how attached I was and how much I relied on her until she started to resent me, and I didn't realize how much she resented me until she cut herself out of my life.

    Looking back, I wonder if I was smothering her in some sort of way.  I wonder if my excitement, laughter, and joy were just too much.  I don't have the answers, but when we were in fourth grade, I heard from my sister that their family was moving to another state, and my sister wasn't even really friends with her older sister.  I remember being devastated and going to school and asking her if it was true.  One of our other friends had known for about a month and they told me that they hadn't let me know because they "weren't sure how I would react."  I felt confused and hurt, but then, for the first time, I could see that although she was my best friend, I wasn't hers.  

    The way she looked at me that day was more with annoyance, and I wonder still how long I had been so blissfully unaware.  But, even after recognizing that, I wanted to salvage our friendship.  Just because she would be a few states away didn't mean we couldn't be friends.  We wrote letters back and forth for a while, and I remember talking on the phone with her many times, feeling that our friendship was repaired.  Her family even invited us to visit and for me to sleep over.  Because of my hyper-focused attachment, again, I was overly optimistic and somehow glazed over many subtle and not-so-subtle cues.  One day, while on the phone, she became very irritated and told me that the call was too long, especially being long-distance, and so we hung up.  I felt really guilty, thinking that she was suddenly legitimately upset about the potential cost of the long-distance phone call, and who knows, maybe she was, but after months of this, adult me still doubts it.

    Being naive and still overly optimistic, I began writing her letters more, since calls were "no longer practical," I'll say.  I'll never forget the letter I received from her that severed the friendship.  She wrote that she no longer wanted to write letters or talk on the phone and that she had gotten a cellphone.  She told me not to contact her unless I got a cellphone myself, and with being the youngest of five kids in a home where we couldn't get a phone until we were eighteen, it all sunk in.  All of the cues I had written off as "bad days" or "we can fix this; we're friends" hit me.  It made me angry.  I felt betrayed.  But most of all, it hurt.  It hurt me so much.

10.17.22 - Recent Studies

     I had an appointment with my ADHD doctor today and she shared some slightly horrifying statistics from recent studies she's been reading:

• Having your phone by you and checking notifications creates a "switching" mindset that causes your concentration to go down by 20%.  With ADHD individuals, especially students, this is even more problematic and can be devastating because they already struggle with focusing. 
  
  
• Reading content on a screen (computer, phone, tablet, etc) causes your reading comprehension to be diminished by two-thirds!!!  Our brains read screens differently, taking in information in "flashes" or by simply "scanning" to try and find what may be important.
  
  
• The average person only has a focus time of 3 minutes.  
  
  

    We discussed my current personal struggles after I took an evaluation, and the two domains I'm having the most difficulty with are Mood Shifts and Attention.  My doctor, referring back to the studies, helped me brainstorm ways to improve these domains, and these are some tips that can help anyone, not just those with ADHD:

• Put your phone away!  Phones bombard us with notifications day and night, so a prime solution that was shared was to move your phone away from you (on silent), or, better yet, turn it off.
  
  
• Don't look at your phone first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and charge your phone in a different room.  You'll have deeper sleep, a better mood, and this allows you to unwind and create healthier morning and evening routines, free of distractions.
  
  
• Read physical, printed copies of books.  This will help you think deeper, concentrate longer, and comprehend more of what you're reading.
  
  
• Set up your phone so that you have a specific amount of time to be on apps before it will kick you out of them (my phone kicks me off of Instagram after 15mins, Facebook after 1 hour, etc).
  
  
  

    I'm going to apply these methods over the next two months, until my next appointment, and see how it goes.

10.12.22 - ADHD & Getting Overwhelmed

     This morning has started off pretty good so far, but currently, I'm running into a common struggle - burnout from getting overwhelmed.  

    With this in mind, I began asking myself why I feel overwhelmed, and it didn't take long to realize why.

    I have to take a shower and get ready, as we all do, but before I can do that, I feel like there are so many steps before I can get there: 

1. Get clean clothes out of my pile of clean laundry on my bed.  But if I'm going to do that, I might as well/should put away the rest of my laundry, which, to an ADHD brain, would be steps 2 & 3.  
   
   
2. Clean out the litterbox & sweep.  ADHD can also be intertwined with OCD habits, and one of mine is that certain things have to be done a certain way or else I'll feel I'm not clean.  So, my cat Stormy's litterbox needs to be cleaned out, but I have to do that before I shower or, as I said, I'll feel dirty and gross and kind of overwhelmed/insecure after.  But cleaning the litterbox isn't just one step.  It's getting a trash bag (step 4), scooping it out (5), sweeping the floor so it's clean of litter (6), taking the bag outside to the trashcan so it doesn't stink up the house (7), and washing my hands thoroughly (I'm working on not washing my hands in sets of 3 - one wash just doesn't feel like it's enough, so that takes mental energy to tell myself just to count or sing the ABCs twice before rinsing and drying my hands) (8). 
   
   
3. Shower & get ready.  But, that isn't so easy or simple either.  My grandma recently injured her spine and needs a shower bench, and so she's at my mom's and they got one that has to be moved in and out of the shower each time, plus her situation requires her to use about 3 towels (I'm very understanding of her and have no stress or ill-will towards the situation; this is just context for following steps).  This creates the next steps, (8) see if there is a clean towel to use and get it, (9) move the shower bench, shower (10 scrub thoroughly, 11 shampoo hair, 12 condition, 13 shave, 14 clean out hair from the catcher in the drain - disgusting!!!!! - 15 dry off and wrap in towel or partially dress), then I (16) make sure the floor isn't wet so it's not dangerous for grandma, (17) put the shower bench back in place.  Now that I've done those things, I can (18) get dressed, (19) hang up my towel in a place it won't get mistaken for my mom's or grandma's, (20) brush my hair, (21) get fixated on the fact that I need my hair colored SO BAD because I started to get gray hairs when I was around 18/19 and over the past two years, it's progressed quite a bit (this is a result of having hypothyroidism, lacking vitamin B, stress, and heredity from my mother's side); this results in great anxiety, embarrassment, and feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all of the steps it will take to set up the appointment and get there.  Wow, writing all of this is really therapeutic and exhausting. (22) decide what to do with my hair, (23) style my hair (depending on how stressed I am, this can either be throwing my hair in a clip as one step, or adding 3+ additional steps), (24 & 25) if I haven't already brushed and flossed my teeth after getting up this morning, do that here, (26 & 27) stare at myself and pick at my face because I'm stressed before putting on makeup lol, (28) I forgot to add earlier that before showering, there's the whole ordeal of picking out clothes which has been a nightmare lately because I've been hyper fixating on my weight and how I need to have a healthier lifestyle which, yeah, anyway, that leads to another whole train of thought and being overwhelmed and thinking of all the steps that are involved in that... Anyway, (29) get socks on, (30) make sure my backpack is packed with everything I'll need for my university classes that day - books, notebooks, keys, wallet, etc.
   
   
4. Eat breakfast - (31) choose what to make, (32) make it, (33) clean up after.
   
   
5. Morning religious studies - (34) sit somewhere I won't get too tired, (35) get out all needed materials (scriptures/phone with app on it, specific notebook dedicated to my religious studies, working writing utensil), (36) use all the willpower I can to "get in the zone" where I won't be distracted and daydreaming/mind wandering is less likely to occur. 
   
   
6. Begin To-Do list (37).
   
   
   

    I understand that this is all kind of hilariously outrageous, but this is the process my mind goes through every day/moment.  It doesn't see 6 simple steps, it sees 37 ways my day can go wrong by forgetting something.  37 ways my morning energy has to be divided (energy that's draining by the second).

    Honestly, I've never processed my morning routine like this before.  I've always just known it's overwhelming and stressful and takes so much time and energy.  

    I guess I should give myself more slack and not see myself as such a failure for feeling like getting ready each day is the beginning of an existential crisis haha.  

    Something helpful involving this topic came from an Instagram post by @currentadhdcoaching, who, I'm sure you can guess by their handle is an ADHD coach, shared that transitions (task switching) can be very difficult for the ADHD brain, but by recognizing you're in transition, naming what's happening, and planning ahead bit by bit, you'll find yourself transitioning smoother with time and feeling much less overwhelmed.

    I'm sure you need to give yourself more love and kindness throughout the process too.  What does your morning routine look like?

    

    Hang in there; you got this, kid.

10.10.22 - "Oh, I'm sorry!"

     I'm a 27-year-old female, and I was recently diagnosed with ADHD.

    The most common two responses I get from people upon hearing about my diagnosis are: 1. "Oh, I'm sorry!" and 2. "No you don't.  There's no way you have ADHD; you're calm and quiet."

    But ADHD manifests differently in women and is often misdiagnosed for many years, if not an entire lifetime.  I'm one of the lucky ones.  

    Don't feel sorry for me, though.  That's not what this is about.  This is about me navigating this new and growing understanding of myself, and the relief I feel that, finally, things are making more sense.  It's why the depression meds only worked for a little while and I still felt like I'd never be normal.  It's why my anxiety wasn't as manageable as I had hoped and worked for it to be.  It's why some people get horribly mad and frustrated with me because I seem "normal" but can't do/process what they expect of me.  It's why I can understand others and empathize in ways many other people can't.  It's the reason I strive to be more compassionate in my life and educated. 

    It's a lot of things, but none to be sorry about.  I'm ready to hit the ground running with this new hope and excitement, and to figure out, like many others have, how to use my ADHD to my advantage.

    My sister said that ADHD is like a superpower, especially when we get hyper-focused.  I like that take on things.

    So, here I go, and you can tag along with me if you'd like.

    If you've stumbled across this and it's not quite your thing, that's okay too.  Just remember one thing, okay?  Life can be painful and sad and difficult beyond imagination, but it can be beautiful, fun, exciting, and worth it.  So, hang in there; you got this, kid.